woke up around 3am i think. had slept for maybe 13hrs.
had alot of very vivid dreams.
pretty much remembered them perfectly when i woke up but went str8 into a chatroom & pretty soon forgot them.

they just cycle through all my emotions, people, events in my life & my perceptions anyway…

i find myself in situations where i have 2 attachments alot.
and i have to choose, but i can’t.
2 attachments i guess is wrong, i only have one attachment. me.
i find myself in situations where i have 3 possible options.

LEFT
RIGHT
and try & walk the middle…. the tightrope

i always seem to be on that fucking tightrope.
and it’s not an easy walk.
it’s constantly on edge & fear of falling.
it’s hard to walk a tightrope with no confidence.
no confidence means insecurity, means fear.
fear makes you shake.

most people don’t get it.
“there’s no tightrope. go left or right, it doesn’t matter, you think about shit too much”

they go through all the rationale they can think of of why you shouldn’t be scared.
this is the rationale that applies to their identity.

“i don’t have to be scared because i’m a good guy”

so, if their rationale doesn’t set you at eas their must be something wrong with you.

and there is…
in terms of my utter lack of self confidence…

and everything is confidence.
life is all confidence.
and confidence is given.
like status.

i was never given any.
or i wasn’t given enough.
the little i did manage to get was so hard to hold onto that the fact you were obviously trying so hard to hold onto it was enough for people to see how insecure you really were.

your level of confidence affects how you behave.
like hunger…. if you’re starving, you’ll do anything.

if you’re in extreme pain, you’ll do just abut anything to get out of it.
infact with the right amount of pain, you will do ANYTHING to get out of it.

people are objects because we relate them to images, identities & concepts.
these are formulas.

“this person is like this, that person is like that… in this situation they would do this or that… i can depend on them behaving mechanically”

free will is bullshit.

free will is the new religion, the new caste system.

those who believe in free will?
they have confidence, they were given that confidence.
confidence is a result of environment.

sometimes i see signs…
coincidences.
they tell me to kill myself.

in the sense that they reinforce a fear that things will never get any better. that this is the way life is.
you were born into a caste & you can never leave it.
that’s life.

chances are if you disagree with me it only means your not as aware as i am.
people aren’t more “intelligent” or “smarter” than anyone else.
it’s circumstances that affect your level of awareness.

i.e if you work in McDonald’s you know that people spit in the burgers & do all sorts of other nasty shit to your food if they don’t like the looks of you.
but that doesn’t mean you’re smarter or more intelligent than the person who recieves it.

it just happens to be that in that arena, you have more knowledge.

if i’m to feel any better i have to reject the notion of free will.
i am not to blame for anything i have done or will do.

if we’re dying of thirst we’ll do whatever we can to fulfill that desire.

p.s tonight there were alot of unpleasant coincidences.
patterns were forming.
patterns i don’t like my place in.

1 & a half hours til i can buy booze.
if i have the confidence to leave the house.
or wether or not this valium take away my will…