Only seven comments yesterday? SEVEN? Sheesh. It looks like I’m gonna have to start downsizing here, and right around the holidays, too. Shame. And forget about having a party. Good thing I hadn’t bought any supplies yet—although it looks like I’m going to lose the deposit I left with Grand Prospect Hall. (I just couldn’t resist the allure of their commercials—watch it if you dare.)

It’s a snowy/rainy/gloomy Tuesday, and I spent part of my afternoon in a crowded suburban Toys ‘R Us. Judging from the bareness of certain shelves and racks and the fullness of many carts, it seems that the kids in america will not be suffering this holiday season. Mommy and daddy might not be able to fill up the Escalade, but Junior will be getting his Spike the Ultra Dinosaur come hell or high water. (I’ll admit, I would have been stoked to get one of those when I was younger. Like, 25.)

I didn’t look at the bikes in Toys ‘R Us, but I probably should have just out of a sense of morbid curiosity. I’ve been fortunate enough in my life to never have a department store bike, and I’d hope that no one else would have to suffer through that either (although I do remember pining for a Huffy Pro Thunder when a friend down the block had one). And it’s not because I hate cheap bikes—cheap bikes are fine—but it’s just that department store bikes are just plain lousy. They’re “designed” by marketers rather than bike people (just look at them!) and assembled by bored high-school kids who probably know even less about bikes than the designers.

To further clarify, I have no problem with the toy store bikes built for little kids. You know, the ones with training wheels and tassels. A kid’s gotta start somewhere. I reserve my disdain for the ones that are supposedly just as good as a bike you’d buy from a bike shop.

Take this one, for example:
Awful. And for only $180! I think the description speaks for itself:

The 20″ Mongoose Boy’s Ace Bicycle is made for anyone over 7 years old who wants a legitimate trick bike. It is the perfect bike to learn freestyle riding or just to have fun with. The Aluminum 5 Spoke Mag Wheels are the ultimate in cool. This bike has all the parts to be completely legit freestyle bike - 4 axle pegs, ORYG rotor, full wrap freestyle tires, 4 piece handlebar, 3 piece crank, Promax Alloy brake levers and an alloy chainring. There are performance features usually reserved for bikes that cost twice as much. The Front Caliper and Rear Alloy U Brakes provide the braking power needed for safe dependable stopping when learning new tricks. Finally, the heavy duty padded saddle and dual density grips provide the rider with all the comfort they could ask for. Ride Mongoose and Ride Like the Pros.

Hello, blatant misinformation. First off, aluminum five-spoke mags haven’t been “the ultimate in cool” since 1975 or so. And as for the “performance features usually reserved for bikes that cost twice as much,” um, you can get much BETTER features on a bike that costs roughly the same amount if you buy this. (I’m pretty sure that Mongoose doesn’t even have three-piece cranks?) And if you actually DO spend twice as much, you can get this, which is 37 times the bike that alleged Mongoose claims to be. Even this is much better than any department store bike, and it’s only half again as much. This isn’t twice as much, either. With the money you save, you can get a front brake.

My favorite Toys ‘R Us bike HAS to be this one, though:

A carbon bike? At Toys R’ Us? For $280? It’s pretty obvious where they saved money—like those monstrous forged three-piece cranks. Some sort of hollow one-piece may have been cheaper AND lighter. Not to mention you’d be infinitely better off getting your kid something like this (and even save money in the process). Sure the DK isn’t carbon, but let’s face it—the carbon fiber in that Huffy isn’t much like the carbon fiber in this.

Although hey, if things are gonna be like this, maybe I should look a little closer at those department store bikes. The way things are going, I might wind up riding one.

How I posted about woodgrain yesterday and missed this, I don’t know:

Yes, that’s a new SE OM Flyer that’s virtually all woodgrain. Leave it to the Wildman.